i have decided that to simplify my life and make everyone else's worse i am going to combine american and british spellings. for example:

•centere

•programmme

•graey

•apflatment

lmfaoooo wtf

Reminder for when he “saves” it. He was the one who wanted this, and now he gets to be the hero and win favour with young constituents. Don’t give him the credit for fixing his own problem.

*pounds a monster at 9pm* why can't I ever sleep at night

you ever be watching The Godfather and you’re like WOW that kitty is so happy and such a good actor i wonder if it was someone’s cat on set or what…

sobbing. shitting. puking

i grew up in a small rural town where there was one dentist, which i went to from around age 5 whenever my parents had the right insurance/money/time to get me there. anyway when i'm like 20 or so i started having minor issues with my wisdom teeth coming in, but not so severe that this place can't extract them.

so i go in for that and i'm sitting there in the chair and the assistant comes in looking at some paperwork and says "so you've been coming here for a while right?" and i am like "oh yeah since i was a little kid" and she replies "yeah, i thought so, there's one note on your file and it's 'patient likes dinosaurs and bugs'"

this is truly the funniest timeline

This website is so so so good

Hate how lighting a candle does wonders to my mood. Like wowwww. Grug like fire? Grug not sad anymore because Fire in Cave? Wow. Real predictable of Grug.

Sometimes the technology conspires against me to make me sound crazy in my text messages.

Me: *looking at a porcelain hand in the home decor aisle of a store* if I lost my hands in some kind of tragic accident, I’d decorate my entire home with hand-shaped things. Then I’d invite guests over for like, dinner parties and such and sit there expectantly just basking in their discomfort.

My boyfriend: Do you hear what you say when you talk? Do you know what you just said to me?